Parenting Myths: How old beliefs are still shaping the way we parent today

We are a generation that wants to do things differently. And I’m not saying our parents got everything wrong — but now, we understand so much more about how children's brains actually develop, what they need to feel safe, and why they behave the way they do. And yet, some of the oldest parenting myths are still very much alive. They show up in conversations at family dinners, in comments from well-meaning strangers, and sometimes — honestly — in our own heads when we're exhausted and second-guessing ourselves.

The thing about myths is that they rarely announce themselves as myths. They come dressed as wisdom. As common sense. As "that's just how it's done."

But here's what I know: some of these beliefs aren't just outdated. Some of them can genuinely get in the way of our children's development — and of the connection we're trying so hard to build with them.

So let's talk about it.

Where did these myths come from?

To understand why these beliefs are so hard to shake, it helps to know where they started.

For centuries — right up until relatively recently — children were not seen the way we see them today. Historically, children were considered property. Discipline meant control, and tenderness was actually believed to spoil children. Well into the Victorian era, strict routines, emotional distance, and punishment were considered best practice. The idea that a baby might have emotional needs? Seen as weakness.

These aren't just history facts — they're the roots of the beliefs that were passed to our grandparents, then to our parents, and then — often without anyone realising — to us.

As Louise Porter writes in Young Children's Behaviour (2016), adults' beliefs about children are the biggest influence on the quality of care we give them. These beliefs colour everything — the way we react, the way we interpret behaviour, and the way we respond in difficult moments. And many of us carry beliefs we didn't even consciously choose.

The myths we need to let go of

Let's name the most popular ones:

"You'll spoil them if you hold them too much."

This one is perhaps the most persistent of all, maybe the one I dislike the most!, and one of the most harmful. Nowadays, we understand that responsive caregiving, physical closeness, and consistent comfort are not spoiling a child. These actions are literally building their brain. Secure attachment (the kind formed when a caregiver responds warmly and consistently) is one of the strongest predictors of healthy emotional development, confidence, and resilience later in life. There is NO WAY, we know you cannot love a baby too much.\n

"Children are manipulative."

This is one of the myths I hear most often in my work with families, and it breaks my heart every time, because it changes how a parent sees their child. Research tells us something very different: humans are empathetic and cooperative by nature. Children are not manipulative. They are communicating! They are communicating the only way they know how. A tantrum, a meltdown, a refusal — these are not strategies designed to control you. They are a child saying I have a need I don't know how to express.

When we believe a child is trying to manipulate us, we react. When we understand they're trying to communicate, we can respond… and that changes everything!\n

"They're doing it deliberately to get at you."

This one is connected to the last, and it's worth saying clearly: young children do not have the brain development to plot against you. The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, impulse control, and understanding consequences — is not fully developed until the mid-twenties. When your child is in the middle of a big moment, their brain is in alarm mode. Logic doesn't reach them there. Connection does.\n

"Your breast milk isn't enough" / "Give them herbal tea at x weeks."

These myths sit in a different category but they do the same damage — they make parents doubt their instincts and their bodies at one of the most vulnerable times of their lives. They carry the same underlying message: you don't know what your child needs. Trust the myth, not yourself.\n

"They should be walking / talking / sleeping by now."

Developmental timelines have their place, but they are ranges — not deadlines. Children walk independently anywhere between 8 and 18 months and all of that is normal. The comparison trap is one of the quickest ways to undermine your confidence as a parent and create unnecessary anxiety about a child who is simply developing at their own pace.

So what’s actually real?

Research consistently shows us that children:

- Are empathetic from as young as 2 days of age,

- Are cooperative by nature. They simply want to connect,

- Act from need, not manipulation,

- Behave better when they feel safe and connected to their caregivers

Once we understand that our tamariki are behaving the way they do only because they are trying to communicate, it shifts everything. It moves us from asking "how do I stop this behaviour?" to "what is my child trying to tell me, and what do they need right now?"

Behaviour is communication. Always. There is always something underneath — a need, an emotion, a feeling they don't yet have the words for. Our job isn't to control the behaviour. It's to understand what's driving it.

Why this matters more than we realise

The early years, from 0 to 6, are when the brain is developing faster than at any other point in life. The experiences children have during this window, the relationships they form, the environments they grow up in, shape the foundations for how they learn, connect, and regulate their emotions for the rest of their lives. And yet, this is also the stage of children’s life where they are judged the most - specially if they are a female.

The things that matter most in those early years are not complicated. They are the ordinary, everyday moments: being held when upset, being spoken to with warmth, being allowed to play and explore, having a caregiver who shows up consistently.

And when we let go of the myths and lead with understanding instead, we don't just change how we parent in difficult moments. We change the relationship we are building with our children. And that relationship, the safe, positive, built with a strong connection kind, is what everything else is built on.

A gently reminder…

None of this is about being a perfect parent. It never has been. It is about being curious about your child instead of judgmental. About responding instead of reacting, even when that's hard, even when you're tired, even when the myths in your head are loud.

We were never meant to figure this out alone. And the fact that you're here, reading this, questioning the old beliefs and looking for something better? That already tells me something about the kind of parent you are.

In the next post, we'll go deeper into what's actually happening in your child's brain during a meltdown — and what to do (and not do) in those moments.

And if you’d like some extra support, let’s have a chat!